BLUE MAG

Overture

My fondest memory of last year’s tournament came in the first round game between Michigan St. and Utah St. About five minutes in, Utah St. point guard David Pak got fouled and went to the line. As Pak shot his first free throw, the venerable Dick Enberg was obliged to share some personal information about the “young” man.

“Pak is actually a 29 year old freshman,” began Enberg, cheerfully, with his customary grace and warmth, as he read whatever notes had been put in front of him.

Pause. Obviously Enberg hadn’t read the notes beforehand.

“It seems Pak actually spent seven years in prison…”

Long Pause.

“…for the…heinous crime…of rape,” stuttered poor Enberg, a broken man, his belief in humanity crushed.

Oh my! The best part is that I realized David Pak was actually from my hometown and that we had once played on the same NJB all-star team in 4th grade. Yeah, that’s right, I was an all-star!

Loomings

I failed to produce a preview last year. I was enjoying a decadent period of unemployment and couldn’t be bothered. I regret this, mostly because I missed my chance to quote some of J.J. Redick’s poetry. Here’s a stanza:

No bandage can cover my scars
It’s hard living a life behind invisible bars
Searching for the face of God
I’m only inspired by the poems of Nas

I believe this has the same scansion as Rilke’s Duino Elegies. I also missed my chance to bid farewell to two of my all-time favorites: Gerry McNamara and John Cheney. McNamara completed a legendary career at Syracuse with a historic performance at the Big East Tournament. That he now plays for the Bakersfield Jam of the NBDL should in no way diminish his place in the pantheon. The owlish Cheney coached Temple for 80 odd years, it seemed. He held practice at 5am, his kids graduated, his match-up zone was the unified field theory of perimeter defense, and he once tried to murder John Calipari at a press conference. That he failed to get to a final four, or actually kill Calipari, a miserable greaseball, should in no way diminish his place in the pantheon.

Some thoughts on the season that was:

Kevin Durant
Though I’ve become fatigued by the masturbatory frenzy surrounding the Texas freshman in the media, this is probably one of those rare moments where the hype doesn’t live up to the player. The fact that no one can quite find a good comparison for him should say something. Everyone from Bob McAdoo to Kevin Garnett has been thrown out. I have finally concluded that he reminds me of another long, gangly scorer who had range, who was crafty and idiosyncratic around the basket, put up big numbers, and had the ability to make difficult shots: Adam Morrison. Durant is a younger, more athletic player, plays in a superior conference, and probably doesn’t misquote Karl Marx as much as Morrison.

Deception
During this year’s tournament please remember that whenever you hear a player described as “deceptively quick” what the announcers are really trying to say is that he is “white.”

Duke
This was the play of the year:

I don’t know why it’s so satisfying watching Greg Paulus being forced to lick Deron Washington’s balls as he soars over him. It’s an image that should be inscribed on a Grecian Urn. It makes me proud as an American to know that Duke, for so long an insidious bastion of corporate virtue, inspires so much hate in so many people. Not even the delicate lyricism of J.J. Redick can redeem them. It is a moral imperative to pick Virginia Commonwealth to beat them in the first round*. Virginia, by the way, is easily one of my top five Commonwealths in the union.

*I’m still picking Duke to win, but that’s purely for selfish economic reasons.

Names
There is a worrying shortage of great names in college basketball this year. To fill the void, here’s my all-time top 5:

5b. Majestic Mapp (Virginia)
5a. Scientific Mapp (Florida Central)
4. Fennis Dembo (Wyoming)
3. Jihad Muhammad (Cincinnati)
2. Baskerville Holmes (Memphis St.)
1. Zenon M (Cal Poly Pomona)

As a kid, I actually watched Zenon M play against Chapman “University”. He was not as good as his name. The only current players who could possibly make the list are Dunky Magoo and Ipsissimus Q. Le Fist, the backcourt at Weber St.

Now to the Brackets

MIDWEST

Players to watch:

Greivis Vasquez (Maryland): oily Venezuelan freshman is magic with the ball and a pest on defense. Has that truly South American gift of getting under other player’s skin.

A.J. Graves (Butler): as his surname implies, he is small, pale, and wizened, resembling a mortician’s assistant. He’s death off of screens and the best player on a very fun team to watch. Though Maryland will beat Butler in the second round.

Marty Leunen (Oregon): very skilled and underrated forward will help Ducks get to the Final 8.

Upsets:
Winthrop over Notre Dame.

Pick
Florida. The cowardly route I know, but they literally ooze talent. And by “literally” I mean “figuratively.” Coach Billy Donovan has all the charisma of a used car salesman, but he won’t need to inspire his players if they do anything more than show up.

Misc
Wisconsin has lost its luster, but really there was no way I could pick them, not after enduring their last final four team, the murderously boring 2000 squad led by hatchet-faced goon Mark Vershaw.

WEST

Players to watch

Zabian Dowdell and Jamon Gordon (Virginia Tech): these seniors make up the best backcourt in the country. Dowdell is uncanny around the basket and Gordon is a great leader.

Scottie Reynolds (Villanova): elegant game for a freshman, he’s probably one and done.

Nuno Gonsalves y Morbo (Weber St): born into poverty on the outskirts of Lisbon, this exciting sophomore has overcome the tragic and unexplained loss of his left hand to become one of top 200 players Weber St. has ever produced.

Upsets
Fuck it. I’m changing my bracket right now. Virginia Commonwealth over Duke. Damn my moral compass. Also, Wright St. is a mortal lock over Pitt.

Pick
Virginia Tech. I love this team. Seth Greenberg has smart and athletic group of seniors that have won big games all year.

Misc
Gonzaga has had a rough year. Nothing tarnishes your plucky, underdog rep quite like being on TV forty times a year and having your best player, Josh Heytvelt, getting arrested for possession of hallucinogenics. I heard the Jesuits paid his bail with all the gold they’ve stolen over the centuries from European monarchs.

I generally like UCLA, especially Lorenzo Motta, who looks like a cross between Dracula, a 60s mod, and a horse, but it seems like any team that has a few athletes can shut them down defensively.

EAST

Players to Watch

Jeff Green (Georgetown): unfortunately, Bill Simmons at ESPN has decided to pay attention to college basketball this year, and has thus scooped me on Green, a player I’ve loved for the last couple years. He reminds me of a very underrated pro, Derrick McKey. Smooth, a great passer, scores when he needs to.

Jarrod Dudley (Boston College): do everything forward is like a modern day Renaissance man, only as far as I know, basketball is the only thing he can do.

Cherry “Bomb” Rogers (Weber St.): I’m looking forward to watching Rogers, the only player in Division I basketball who plays with a court-ordered tracking device around his ankle. In 2003, he was arrested in South Weberburg for providing haven to wanted members of the Symbionese Liberation Army.

Upsets

No real upsets here. I have Texas knocking out UNC in the Sweet 16.

Pick

Though God told me to pick Oral Roberts, I am going to defy Him, and pick Georgetown. Money player in Green. Dominant center in Roy Hibbert. And a couple guards whose names I can’t quite remember. Surely a formula for success.

Misc

Despite so many highly touted players, North Carolina seems like a bland and anonymous group. The robotic Tyler Hansborough is painful to watch – he’s a left-handed Billy Curley.

SOUTH

Players to watch

Chris Douglas-Roberts (Memphis): besides wearing a shirt under his jersey and having a hyphenated last name, this Detroit product holds himself aloof from the rabble with a complete game and will play at the next level.

Lionel Messi (FC Barcelona): It’s amazing that this guy is even on the list, especially since he doesn’t even play college basketball. But I watched him score a mind-blowing hat trick this weekend against Real Madrid. The 19 year old Argentine is already dominating the top league in Europe. Please make a note.

Barabas Van de Shock (Weber St): his untimely suicide prevents us from seeing the Big Sky conference’s leader in field goal percentage.

Greg Oden (Ohio St): “Great Odin’s Raven!” – Ron Burgundy. That’s it, that’s all I have to add to the Greg Oden debate.

Upset

Having been born in LBC, and having lived in that sleepy and beautiful town as recently as 2005, I feel obliged to take Long Beach St. over Tennessee, a team that gets upset every year in the tournament. I’m also taking Stanford over a suspect Louisville team that lucked out with their seeding. Also, I’m taking Creighton, another scheming Jesuit school (note a theme developing), over Memphis in round 2. Memphis plays in a conference that features such powerhouses as Tulane, Southern Miss, and Tech A&M State; they haven’t won any big games this year and are ripe for the picking, the picking of upset fruit, you might say, but please, don’t

Pick
Ohio State. I really wanted to pick Texas A&M. They’ve got a great coach and Acie Law XIII is a fantastic player, but I think the Buckeyes have too much Oden.

FINAL FOUR
Florida over Va Tech
Georgetown over Ohio St.

WINNER
My fondest basketball memories – besides playing alongside future sexual predator, David Pak – involve the Big East in the mid-80s. It was all going on in NY, with the Golden Age of Hip Hop providing the soundtrack for epic battles between the likes of Pearl Washington and Walter Berry. Seduced by nostalgia, and confident in Jesuit machination, I have no choice but to make an unforgivably reckless pick in the final.

Georgetown over Florida.

Now someone tell me - what is a Hoya?